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| FIGHT SLEEP! |
How I see the world SLEEP IS A LIE, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE THEY TOLD YOU! I've begun to wage a war against sleep. This is the off season in between cross country and track, and I needed a third sport [since zombie sean obviously couldn't ever GET A JOB]. Well, I decided that I would stop sleeping. It's quite a hobby. Basically, I don't sleep. That's the main idea. Of course there has to be limits to this, I can't just walk around having aneurisms all day long. The rule is 1 day a week at least, I will not sleep one damn second.
I did this a couple times and soon I started to recruit others into a new cult. Negative pants was dying so I had to think something up fast to be able to keep a legitimate claim to the throne of God. Anyways, this cult was far more difficult to create, because even from the start it involved more than just making asses of ourselves like negative pants did. This cult became a collection of a few good men, nothing more and nothing less. They came for different reasons, all with the same goal: to throw off the leaden chains that sleep chaffes us with [for at least 1 day a week].
To understand the war against sleep, you have to understand school. You see, the actual staying awake at night has nothing to do with it, it is the act of going to school absolutely shit faced and dazed that we are after. We walk around bouncing between 4 year old on a sugar high status and quadruple zombie sluggishness.
All was well, until the dark secret of my cheating was realized by the cult. The fact was that while they were sitting there, playing video games or doing homework or masturbating to fight off sleep, I had a far more powerful ally on my side. More powerful than heroine laced speedballs, truck driver pills and surge all combined. What is this secret you ask? It is Casey, the mother of all evil fairies. I'm fairly sure that she's not a figment of my imagination or a Zombie Sean??ersion of Tyler Durden. Well after a brief power struggle, I succeeded in staying awake all night long without the assistance of my evil fairy, and all was well. Now, we are on vacation from school and who the hell wants to walk around dazed and confused, unable to perform any physical activity whatsoever during vacation? Not us, says I. Thus, we are taking individual leaves for vacation time. When we reconvene in January, we'll evaluate the future of the cult. 
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The concept of negative pants has taken control of my life. I can't even masturbate any more. All I can do is sit here and ponder negative pants. It all started a long time ago [some say tuesday] when I was in my algebra 2 class. Mr. Magoon was discussing the setup for a graphing problem which involved making jeans through efficient use of indonesian slave labor. He suggested that we only draw the positive sector of the graph, as, and I quote:
"You cannot make negative pants, huh."
With these 5 words and a huh, Mr. Magoon changed my life. In my mind I instantly thought "wait wait wait a second...I just heard something strange." I pondered the words over and over and over and over again. I turned them over and over again, like rocks in some cosmic rock tumbler spinning through time and space. Think about it, how strange the idea is. I attempted to fathom negative pants. The very concept baffled me, pants that NOT ONLY do not exist, but MAKE OTHER PANTS GO AWAY. Obviously I was onto something so I typed in the magic phrase "You cannot make negative pants" on my TI-83, and handed it to my friend Nick for further analysis. He laughed, then handed it back to me with the addition "Not unless you want to go out of business, huh." typed in. Obviously Nick didn't realize the scope of the idea I had just found. I had discovered Sean's mathematical concept of Negative Pants.
At break I tried to articulate my concept of Negative Pants. I obviously failed to communicate not only the depth of my concept but the cosmic importance of this idea. Nobody "got it", the fools. The moral cowards simply went back to their cool ranch nachoes and mad homework copying.
At lunch today I made some serious headway though. All it took was for me to tell them about how, as I see it, Negative Pants not only DO NOT EXIST, but MAKE OTHER PANTS GO AWAY. They all realized that if we put enough thought into this it could result in NAKED WOMEN so we got thinking. We wound up adopting a sort of upside down pie sign as the official sign of "Negative Pants". Neil and several of the other trig bastards also discovered the derivative and inverse of negative pants. It involved a lot of screaming and drew some unwanted attention. I believe the inverse of negative pants was:
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Negative Pants
Will theorized that the inverse of negative pants would be pants turned inside out. I don't know about that. Of course this told us absolutely nothing. What are Negative Pants? How can we make some? Those questions will be answered another day. All I know is that the cult of Negative Pants is growing. Every minute someone who thought I was just an idiot becomes a believer.
The following is old shit that doesn't pertain to negative pants. I didn't have the balls to erase it.
If you enjoy good philosophy click here! Whoever wrote this IS A COMPLETE GENIUS! Everything he says makes incredible sense. It's changed the way I see the world, and I've started to say things like " I do not feel the God legs mine! Adri?not empece this war!"
My Philosophy As a zombie, I eat things for their brains. That is the main idea here. That's deep, yeah, but I'm not expecting you to get it all right away. My life is guided by my laziness and urge for survival, nothing else. Standardized Tests Suck. And they don't have a bubble for "zombie" under ethnicity.
ZOMBIE TIP #1
Sleep under your bed or in a nearby closet, leaving a lifesize dummy of yourself in bed. This works great when those damn wild dogs get hungry and smell my rotting flesh. Stupid zombie hunters usually don't expect an ambush either.
ZOMBIE TIP #2
DO NOT use super glue to re-attach body parts and chunks of flesh that have fallen off. Not only does it not work very well but it looks fairly fruity. I find that using a heavy duty industrial grade pneumatic staple gun yields the best results, and looks cooler. |
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My Opinions on Current Events I'm gonna write what I think here. About things that happen. 6/21/00 I think they should let that little boy Ellian go with his father. I don't care about him being in this country, he has little boy brains. I can't get that "filling" sensation from that. It's like chinese food, no matter how much child brain you eat you'll be hungry again in an hour. And if you're coming from Zombie Bob or Zombie Tucker's page, you know how WE feel about children...What's this you say? That whole Ellian thing already happened? Well I'm just stating my opinion ass. Besides the only news I get is when I steal old newspapers from my neighbors. |
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Do you agree or disagree with my beliefs and opinions? I really don't give a damn! Why would I? You're my food! |
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