Movie Reviews

Ghost Dog:

Ok I'm not sure if this movie's acid trippiness was due to my ingestion of questionable brain or what, because it was out there, man. It's about this large, chunky, black, italian mafia hit man, in the ghe-TTO, who happens to be a samurai of sorts and reads us nice quotes throughout the movie. About the only thing I remember with certainty is that Ghost Dog had this cool car with an AWESOME system and didn't even bother to roll down his windows to let the whole world enjoy his bass filled hip hop along with him. Selfish son of a bitch. This one guy was building a boat on top of his apartment building. I thought that was pretty cool. It reminded me of the time me, zombie tucker and some buddies woke up on zombie bob's roof in the shadow of a huge ark we had apparently built up there and filled with colobus monkeys the night before. Bob was none too pleased about that little mistake. Another good thing about this movie was the prevalence of casual gunshot wounds to the chest. Overall, if you enjoy symbolism thicker than the muck hole I crawled out of, movies that are constantly JUST PERFECTLY ON THE BRINK of being action packed but never really get "there", revel in racial stereotypes, and mock the mob [we all know it's seen better days], then rush out and get this movie.

1 thumb kinda up [not like "YEAH I'M UP" but rather in a malaised, impotent "up"]

Sorry, no zombie seal of quality but zombie seal of weirdness and I'm sure I'll remember it.

X-men:

This movie really spoke to me. It's message concerning how those of us who stink/look funny/like to maim people for various reasons are cast out of society and feared by the masses was deeply personal to me. To really get this movie you need to have felt the stinging pain of children laughing as you try to attach a nose/appendage in public. In any case, I was an x-man for awhile. You may have read on zombie tucker's page about my episode of telekinesis and lighting people on fire and such. But that's over now because the damn tumor is gone. Thanks a lot Tucker, biatch. I tried to find that stupid x-men school but I never did. I gave up when I remembered those skin tight suits they wore. Another great idea I got from this movie was using my powers to win money via pit fighting with drunken locals. Even without my ability to light things on fire I'm pretty good at beating up pimps and homeless people fighting for sandwhiches. The movie? Oh yeah, it was ok.

2 dismembered thumbs up, again. Also one middle finger raised to the person who left out gambit and other cool x-men!

Fight Club:

This movie was awesome. I suppose I shouldn't spoil it...ahh screw it just don't read this if you haven't seen it. It's about a guy with a sort of multiple personality disorder to the extreme [sound familiar...ZOMBIE TUCKER!]. There was a part where they raided a liposuction clinic for fat to make expensive soap with. Me and some zombie buddies are a little low on cash so we might try that out. We could start our own brand, "ZOMBIE SOAP, MADE FROM REAL HUMAN FAT ASS IN THE U S OF A". The little tykes would love it. I loved this movie straight from the start [probably because it showed the inside of a brain]. There was some fighting, and as girly and human as it was, it was still good.

3 dismembered thumbs up [I saved an extra from my last meal]
The zombie seal of quality


007: The World Is Not Enough

This Movie seemed good from what I saw. It was full of hot women, but then I started to feel my genitals falling off, so I had to stop watching. Thus I can't write a full review. There is this one guy who can't feel pain. I thought he would be cool like a zombie but he was still a wuss. Fought like a girly human. The part about how he would die soon because there was a bullet in his brain was totally fake too. I've had a bullet in my brain for some time now and it hasn't affected jack. Still, the hot women improved this movie a lot.

1 1/2 dismembered thumbs up
Almost got the zombie seal of quality

Gladiator

This movie had a lot of dead carcasses, which was good. It was pretty skimpy on the brain eating though, I thought it coulda used more of that. The fighting was good. They used swords and stuff though. Humans are so friggin lazy. Why can't you just, like, beat your enemies to death with your bare hands or a piece of lumber or something? "Ohhhh, but my girly living hands can sense pain," like I care? Oh well. A good movie nonetheless.

2 dismembered thumbs, as far up as they still go.
The Zombie seal of quality awarded

Book Reviews

The Hot Zone:

This book was a non fiction book about outbreaks of ebola and some other nasty disease. All my friends [alan] told me it would be really disgusting and hard to read. They [alan] were full of shit. Bloating up because you're bleeding into your skin? Black/red vomit won't stop? Internal organs liquifying? Bleeding out of various orrifices? Threatening to beat medical personell with a stick? Either you've got ebola, or you're zombie sean after he has burger king. Seriously, you people are such a bunch of pussies. And then you go and die from this crap. I just don't get it. It was a good book I guess, but I was dissapointed. However, they spent some time talking about hemorraging brains which was definetly a booster. I guess some of the ebola patients in africa got out of their beds, took off all their clothes, and walked naked through cities bleeding all over the place in a zombie like state. What a bunch of posers.

Frankenstein, by Mary Shelly

This book is terrible! It contains so many cliches and stereotypes about the un-dead it made my urge to kill rise through the roof. Nothing is told from the perspective of "the monster". If I'd been put into a zombie state by humans I'd be pretty pissed too. No duh he wanted to kill people. I was actually planning on organizing a boycott of the author's books and stuff but then I found out that she was dead. Oh well. I hope she became a zombie so that she can see the other side of the story!

summary: The most ill-informed, downright racist, inflammatory book I've ever read.